Last week’s writing – Olivia, Myah and Meshach

Here are extracts from Olivia, Myah and Meshach’s ‘warning stories’.  Have a read and comment during independent learning next week.  What do you think of these pieces of writing?  What are some of the writing skills your classmates are demonstrating?  Perhaps go back and have another look at your own story and reflect on whether there’s anything you might add or change if you wrote it again.

Here’s Olivia starting the story off:

“Don’t go near the river,” said my mother as she put juicy, delicious-looking strawberries inside my picnic basket.  “Don’t worry, I won’t,” I said solemnly, as she held out the basket.  “Good,” she said.  “It’s too dangerous.”  I nodded and looked out of the window – it was a hot, sunny summer’s day.

Half an hour later, I was walking excitedly through the woods.  The sun was very hot; the sunlight touched every single tree-top, making the bushy foliage even more green.  I could hear birds chirping and insects buzzing as if they were having a party – I was in paradise.

A refreshing breeze danced around the tree, making the leaves rattle.  I looked around.  The massive oaks were like giants standing in the humid ground; they looked as if they were 500 years old because of their strong, ancient-looking trunks and boughs.  I imagined one of the trees telling stories about the past and all of the things it might have seen: knights, horses, carriages, princes and princesses, other trees being burnt in the Great Fire of London or felled to make enormous ships for Nelson’s navy; it might have seen planes and bombs flying ahead in World War II, or even the 100 years war!  So much history in just one of these majestic trees!   How marvelous it might be to live for so long, I thought.  Before I carried on with my adventure, I hugged the tree; its warm bark pressed against my skin, making me smile.  I wished I could live in the woods…

Myah moving the story on:

Giving the tree a big hug to say goodbye, I set off to go and explore more.  As I ran through the meadow, it seemed like there was a ripple-effect of dandelions springing to life. Every time butterflies were nearby, it was as if the wind was creating a path for them.  As I made my way to the river, I found a rare white albino squirrel leaping from tree to tree with its young.  

There was something about the river that made it seem so inviting – maybe it was the reflection of the sun shining on the surface.  I felt like dipping my toes into the water, just to feel what it was like, but then I could hear Nzinga’s voice dancing around, saying not to go in.  Yet it looked safe where I was.  What could go wrong?

As I flung off my plimsolls, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for what I was doing – sneaking into the river.  When I jumped in, there was a sensation sliding down my back, making me shiver with fear.  I waded in deeper and deeper.  The further I got, the faster the current went.

 

And Meshach bringing it to a conclusion.  Do you think there is a final sentence or short paragraph that Meshach could add to round the story off?

I stepped on something hard and sharp.  I yelled for help but nobody was around so I fell.  I really wished I had listened to my Auntie because the water got deeper and deeper until I couldn’t touch the bottom.  My mouth was full of water so I couldn’t shout – I was going so fast it felt like I was going at 60 miles per hour.  When I opened my eyes, I could see fish, rocks and junk.  Then I had a vision that I was being saved by the tree.  I suddenly opened my eyes – I couldn’t remain any longer under water or I would drown…

 

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Author: class6TM

We are a Year 6 class at Rosendale School in West Dulwich, London.

6 thoughts on “Last week’s writing – Olivia, Myah and Meshach”

  1. The warning story was really fun because I love to write dramatic story’s which have suspense and this was fun because we got to add our own description and surroundings.

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  2. They have used a wide range of punctuation like semi-colons, ellipses and dashes.Each piece of writing flows and has something good about it.They are all very dramatic and have suspense.

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  3. The warning story was very exciting to do. Olivia’s was amazing I really liked how the pace was and the variety of punctation. Myah really brought the writing to life and made it feel like I was actually there. Meshach’s writing was awesome the end made me want a part 2 because it was so interesting and it was so dramatic to end it in a ellipsis

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  4. The warning story was really fun and I enjoyed trying to make it intense I liked the fact that we finished it of by writing by thinking of the warning at the start.

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